Have you ever felt so together but so lonely inside your heart?
Or have you ever felt so alone but so secure without a guard?
It might sound weird, I know, but somehow it happens a lot of times to me.
I’ve been through moments when I was surrounded by -maybe- the craziest people ever, joking around… being funny… dancing like freaks… Yeah, I was there, smiling widely and laughing loudly and even dancing wildly as if I was enjoying the pleasure of having myself in a group of happy people.
But was my heart smiling and laughing and dancing as well?
They never knew.
I could have been feeling down and out that time, but I tried my best to put on some joyous face and pretended like I was pleased, so everyone would think that I was alright, or even drunk sometimes! You know, it’s called ‘acting’, anyway…
Sometimes, I did not do a good job in my acting so that someone -usually who’s close to me, or just a really sensitive person- would notice that there was something wrong with me.
Sometimes I also wondered if there was somebody else in the crowd feeling exactly the same thing… but then, of course, I would never know.
That’s when I was so together with many, but couldn’t find myself belonging to any…
On the other hand, I’ve also been through moments when there was only me and myself, no one else involved. Or, at least, no one was close enough to get into my ‘private area’. But surprisingly, most of the times, I felt peaceful. I found my inner self when I was alone. The one who was, is, and will always be with me all my life…
Friends called me a party-animal, the life of the party, the uproarious clown, spunky woman, a tomboy who never cries… anything.
They just never met my inner self.
The best feelings come when I am being a loner.
Weird, eh? But that’s true.
Just like my experience today!
I took a bus all the way back from my office, and then stopped at the nearest bus station from my house, then continued walking myself home. It just felt so great not to have anyone bothering my thoughts. Not that I never liked it when someone accompanied me… but there was a different sensation of making it alone!
Well, I know that nobody can save me or rescue me when I am alone!
But I know that nobody can hurt me or harm me when I am alone…
That’s when I was so alone and unknown, but the innocence filled my zone…
As I grew older -and hopefully wiser- each and every day, I learned more and more about my self. I have realized that I am a sanguine-melancholy, which is a very strange combination because sanguine is, in fact, the opposite of melancholy.
It’s not so easy to have both of them all at once.
Lots of times, my mood feels like a very bumpy rollercoaster. It can go all the way up to the highest sky… and then fall off all the way down to the lowest ground…
As a sanguine, I looove to be in the spotlight and entertain everyone with my charm! I love it when they all love to watch me perform and then give me compliments that will satisfy my fucking ears!
But as a melancholy, I may not need friends to make me feel good. Or, many times, I prefer to have someone who’s thoughtful that would sit beside me without saying anything for a while… or for hours. Just the sense of a silent company already gratifies me. Moreover, if the person is able to know my feelings without me having to mention them one by one… and just letting me stay there, close and intimate… and not taking me for granted.
The old Rose from the Titanic movie once said,
“A woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets.”
Well, I guess I cannot agree more…